You Can Call Me a Douche (it makes me laugh, see)

I think we all have specific memories from childhood where can you look back and think, “That’s where it all started.” At least that’s my experience with most vices in my life. I can usually flip through my mind’s figurative Rolodex and pinpoint where it all went wrong (or in some cases, where it went so, so right).

I remember the first time I heard someone say “douche” and MEAN it. Like many other defining moments in my life, I heard this word through what I like to call “Chip by-proxy.” My cousin Chip Latka is a boss, first and foremost. But as a child, he was also a colossal DICK. He can tell you himself; he was a smart ass who found it funny to maim and harass me. I like to think it gave me tough skin. I didn’t have an older brother, after all. He had a commanding presence and I could basically just let him do his thing, control the room, and all the while just hang back and watch his magic dickface powers at work.

But anyways.

I learned many things from Chip. I learned how to throw a football, how to drop a football, and how to cheer my ass off when I made a touchdown in 7th grade gym class. I learned how to NOT be the best at times tables (he could fly through those bitches in like 30 seconds). I learned how to play laser tag in grandma’s basement for like 9 hours straight. But the main thing I learned from Chip Latka: how to insult someone.

I distinctly remember being in the 8th grade science room, chilling at my desk and talking about nonsense with the other girls. For whatever reason, Chip was pissed at someone or other and called them a “douche.” Now in my mind, that was a pretty stupid insult. Those Duchesne girls seemed alright! That seemed like a pretty neat school, Chip Latka!

Luckily I didn’t say this out loud, because I’m sure I would’ve seen about thirty students look at me like I was a fucking idiot (which, arguably, I was).

It wasn’t until much, MUCH later that I realized what an actual douche was. And it finally hit me that Chip was insulting someone in a legitimate way, and not by saying they were a girl from a random school in Omaha. Oops.

But what I’m saying is, I cannot call someone a douche without laughing, even if it’s just in my head. It just reminds me that I can be slow on the uptake. And then I think of Chip and his funny face, and then I just laugh even more.

I just really like to say “douche” and other not-so-nice words when it comes to people/situations. Does that make me an asshole?

Yep.

It’s just so fun to be a dick sometimes. That’s why so many people enjoy the comment section of any given article or video. Sometimes it’s just FUN to troll, ya know?

So feel free to call me a douche! You can call me that or any other name that tickles your fancy. I find it endearing. And so should you, if I decide to call you a douche or a C-U-Next-Tuesday. In fact, that’s why I like saying BITCH and FUCK so much. Remember how fun and thrilling it used to be to curse when you were younger? It was like a big middle finger to adults. Freedom of speech, bitches!

And on that note, here’s my advice for the day: be a dick to someone either on the internet or over text (in person or on the phone just isn’t nice, duh).

If they can’t take it? Just be like

My sweet prince Jay (from The Wanted) thanks you for your time. Now get the fuck off my blog, douche.