Baby Fever 101

I wanna take that baby’s foot and KISS IT.

Recently on our show, we discussed baby fever. As in, BABY FEVER!!!! I WANT TO HAVE A BABY, LIKE YESTERDAY!!!!!!!

Basically studies say that baby fever is a legitimate emotion, and not just women feel it. Men also know how it feels to see a baby, and then immediately want to have one. It’s the feeling of seeing everyone on Facebook being pregnant or carrying their adorable kids around, and you feel lonely. It’s a lonely you didn’t even know you had! Do I sound like an old cat-lady yet?

I have baby fever. I cannot stress to you enough how ridiculous it is for me to want a baby at this juncture in my life, the main reasons being I don’t have a viable partner OR the income to support one. And I’m only 23, so my biological clock hasn’t exactly kicked into high gear just yet. There’s no innate reason for my ovaries, or my brain, to really NEED a baby.

But I want one SO BAD.

Over the past week, I’ve had two separate instances where babies were staring at me, and I started to cry. First, I had a regular gyno appointment. I was in the waiting room, filling out the usual paperwork, and there were pregnant women all around me. They were next to me, in front of me, running to pee, laughing together. I hated that I was the only woman in the room with an empty uterus. Then I had to take a coworker to HER doctor’s appointment just a few days later. She’s currently 6 months pregnant, and she lets me feel her belly. When I feel him kicking, I WANT TO BAWL. So I was in a second consecutive waiting room full of pregnant women and babies, crying. One mom had to bounce her little newborn baby since he was fussing. She was making the weirdest “mom noise.” It was just this innocent little BOO-BOO-BOO noise, soft enough by his ear, to calm him down. Only moms know how to soothe a baby like this; it’s practically magic. And I just thought to myself, I want to make boo sounds to a baby! I want one right now!

Hopefully the government isn’t reading this, and pegging me as a baby snatcher, because I swear I won’t. (And I wouldn’t be in or near a hospital anytime soon anyways, so no worries.)

People like to say that you want a baby… until you see one in action. It’s like when you go to a mall or restaurant, and everyone looks at the token screaming baby, and SOMEONE near you goes, “I definitely don’t want that any time soon! Thank God we don’t have a kid! Sheesh! We’ve dodged a bullet so far! That’s what they should show high schoolers; best birth control there is!” Ugh, that guy. Sometimes I have that reaction, if I’m having a bad day. But more often than not, when I see a crying baby, I think of various ways to make them feel better. They’re not crying just to be assholes, after all.

I’m dying.

I just can’t help it. I love their little baby faces, and how their fingers are like tiny little sausages. I am OBSESSED with baby socks. If I could knit, I would be making little baby hats for the babies I don’t even have. I also want to buy little Nikes. Because there is nothing more adorable than grown-up shoes on babies. Nothing.

So I’ve come up with a Baby Fever Cure. Unlike most habits/addictions, where you try and steer clear of something, or get it out of your mind, I like to take the opposite approach. So if you too have baby fever, I suggest looking at babies, thinking about babies, trying to smell like a baby (baby powder body lotion say whaaat?), agree to babysit other peoples’ babies, and put pictures of babies on your blog. And if that doesn’t work, have one. Just DO IT, girl. You know you want one! Who cares if you don’t have a boyfriend/husband/life partner? You’re independent, do it on your own! You can save up some money and pay for shit, I’m sure. And I will enviously look at you from afar (i.e. Facebook stalk you) and want your life. It’s FINE.

I’ve also had baby names picked out since I was about twelve. I’m that token girl, with a document on her computer with baby names. Kill me.